I'm back on the Zoloft again, and it isn't very pretty.
Yesterday, I had a little breakdown. Nobody in particular to blame other than myself, but I'm feeling pinched from all sides. Parenting, money, divorce, work, Scrawled, friendships, relationships, plus a billion other things… I can't prioritise, I can't think straight. I've become irritable, paranoid, and extremely stressed out.
The doctor said that I had severe anxiety, depression, and stress, despite things going fairly well for me lately. He gave me a prescription for 100mg Zoloft, and wished me luck. I popped the first one at around 8.30pm last night. By 10.30pm, I was stumbling around like a tranquilised bear, slurring and not seeing much of anything in front of me. Fifteen minutes later, I was puking my guts out.
I didn't sleep well, either. Between feeling like I was either boiling or freezing in my bed, I couldn't sleep any more than an hour and a half at a time. I overthought ridiculous things. I cried. I tried to write and type, but my hands were shaking uncontrollably. At 3am, I vomited again. I can honestly say that I have NEVER been more terrified of a drug in my body than I was last night. My heart was palpitating, my teeth were chattering and gnashing, I wanted to scream and crawl out of my skin. It was like I was experiencing withdrawals to the worst extreme. I'm supposed to take my second one sometime this morning. I don't want to go through those same effects this morning with Charlotte around, so I might wait until she's gone to bed for the night before I take it again.
Despite the horrendous night, I can't help feeling disappointed in myself. I'm a proud person, and the first time I took Zoloft, it was pretty much forced down my throat. I hated it, it numbed me; I was unenthusiastic, vulnerable, malleable. I didn't care about anything, and I couldn't cope with that. The alternative was to quit cold turkey and deal or resort to other means. I did fine with that up until now, so I'm not understanding why I'm feeling so overwhelmed. My life is good, but I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to making life choices for myself and Charlotte. It's fear, and it's crippling. I want to care, but not so much that I'm freaking out over trivial things. Self-help books don't help, at least not this time. I hate feeling disappointed in myself, that I've had to swallow my pride and ask for help. I shouldn't have to feel like that, and I don't know why I do, but I feel like I've let myself and Charlotte down.
I'm scared of becoming numb like I did in highschool, though I didn't have these side-effects back then — I must've only been on the 50mg ones. I'm scared that I'll turn into somebody I don't want to be, but right now I can't handle being everything to everyone, I can almost feel my brain liquefying. Misha asked what she could do to help me out, and there really is nothing anybody can do for me — I just want some clarity and some breathing room, so I can step back, prioritise, then make my next move.
Is that too much to ask?
May 26, 2006 at 5:44 am
It must be tough going at the moment, but you sound like you have a plan and know where you want to be. That’s half the battle sometimes.
May 26, 2006 at 11:28 pm
Hon,
I hate to break it to you, but as much as you would like to think, you are NOT Wonder Woman. And even she needed help sometimes… If the drug manufacturers had been able to do promotion thru product placement in the 70’s, I can assure you she’d been on some meds.
There is no shame in realizing you need help. It takes a lot more courage to take action that sit back and let it worsen. You’re a smart chick – you know that a lot of this has to do with chemical and hormonal imbalances that happen. Plus, I imagine trying to do a gajillion things perfectly might also put a wee bit of extra stress on you.
Considering the negative sentiments – even if they are merely symbolic, with Zoloft, why not ask the dr. for something else? And so that you feel more comfortable about it, how about discussing with the doc (and yourself) about what your goals are for taking it – do you want to set a time period or get to a point where you feel like you can function more? How about some counseling too?
Consider this a hug from 1/2 way around the world. And if you ever want to talk or vent, you know I’m here.
Mwah.
May 26, 2006 at 11:28 pm
… I’m here if you ever want to talk.
I’m sure you’ll pull through this. You’re among the strongest people I know, and I know you’ll come through this as an even tougher little bird.
I hate asking for help in any situation, so I can relate there. It would seem, however, that asking for help is actually a stronger step than trying to handle things all on one’s own.
At any rate, do what you need to do – I’ll see you on the other side
May 27, 2006 at 8:47 am
*big hugs*
May 28, 2006 at 3:29 am
Do self help books ever really work? I thought the industry was designed to make us all feel inadequate and seriously fucked up. But then, I’ve never been inclined to do what a book tells me anyway
Thinking of you, kid. I’m here if you need.
May 29, 2006 at 8:09 am
If the zoloft isn’t working, don’t take it. Try some other drug with medicinal value, if you catch my drift.
May 30, 2006 at 6:04 am
Also thinking of you
May the black dog f off asap
May 31, 2006 at 8:04 am
*hugs*
Dont know what to say,
i think Scuba summed it all up.
You’re not Wonder Woman…
If i’ve learnt anything about being on the meds, it was how much i hated the side effects.
Hence going off them, and coping without them.
I’m here if you need to talk hun.
)
Boy, u must b really sick of hearing this by now
*hugs*
Amz
P.S -have a new blog now, obviously…
June 6, 2006 at 7:42 am
It constantly amazes me how people keep going, when sometimes it’s all you can do just to keep your head above water.
Stick in there mate… and I like your new look!
Belongum